The Last Weekend

I keep saying the last this the last that. When in fact I have been a half time mother for over two years now. I love Reagan more than anything, but every Sunday when she kisses us goodbye at 8pm, I have a whole week to recoup, make plans, and do whatever I have been doing with out restriction for another whole week. I go to work with out worries as Reagan goes to school all day. I have no real tough commitments right now.
I am the girl that has made it to the age of 27 with only ever signing one lease, never got married, I have moved over 15 times in the last 8 years, and doesn't like to even commit to plans for later in the day. Sometime this week (no later than Thursday) this pending commitment (Ava) is going to be real and I am going to be responsible for another life. I realize that there isn't a mom I know that doesn't love being a mom, that is a mom. But I also know that there isn't a person that is a good mom that can say it hasn't turned their world complete upside down. I would be lying if I didn't say I was scared. Even with 9 months of preparing, I feel like nothing is clean enough, nothing is ready enough and there is no way Ryan and I can do this. He has done it twice so he is as calm as a Hindu cow. I am a wreck. As Always.
So last week I thought perhaps I would get ready by utilizing my literary library that has collected dust for the last six months. If you have read those parenting books and those birthing books and not wanted to vomit or scream, good for you. This stuff was so easy to take in, while earning my degree. Theses concepts have been so easy for me to push as a Social Workers towards other parents seeking counseling. However, I try to even imagine knowing this crap and applying into my life and I laugh out loud.
My mother is coming to stay with me. I know she is excited but I think mostly its because I have a nervous breakdown every other day about another doctor bill or some baby supply no one told me I should have that a stupid magazine insist that I need. And again, Ryan is still as calm as the freaking Hindu Cow.
I take a small breath and just tell myself that pioneer children did it. Then I think, those bitches had six other sister wives to help out.
Then I remember, my sisters did this, at a lot younger age and with much heavier disadvantages at the time than I will ever face. Also over 90% of my friends have some how done this. And they did it well.
So pray. Pray that the selfish, uncommitted girl I am, will find her maternal instincts some where close to the same time the doctor hands me Ava next week. I will keep you posted.